Sony Officially Announces…

It’s 6:04am (at the time of writing this bit) and I am awake. Why? Sony are going to announce…something. I’m going to go through the highs and lows of the experience – a quite sleep deprived experience, I might add – in some sort of Kerouacian stream of consciousness. Prepare to read the most long winded announcement article in the history of videogames journalism.

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I better let it be known that I’m not actually in Japan. I’m not that lucky. Therefore I’m following a bunch of liveblogs from journalists in a much higher position than I. If this fails, it will be technology’s fault and not mine. Kaz Hirai has now taken the stage and says: “It has been quite some time since our last PlayStation Meeting. Because of that, I’m nervous, but also excited.” He’s here to tell us about new products and announcements; lovely.

The first one is from Sony Computer Entertainment. Could this be the PSP2? There’s a video playing that’s supposedly from five E3′s ago. It depicts a Sony future. I can’t see it, nor do I remember it. I reckon it looks like The Fifth Element. Clements (IGN) says there’s no applause for Kaz. I bet that’s a little disheartening. It can’t be much worse than “Ridge Racer” though…nothing is worse than that.

Kaz says Sony “wish to deliver computer entertainment all over the world,” and from what I can tell they achieved that a while back. However, let’s see where he’s going with this. Another video is playing, this time depicting PlayStation Home. If this is some kind of Sony failure montage, it might not be appropriate. The video’s talking about the PS3 and how awesome it is and is bigging up the PlayStation Network (not us). Apparently, there are 69 million PSN accounts. That’s an impressive number. Making it less impressive is the fact they’re free and people have multiple accounts. I for one have five, but I doubt that’s the average. PlayStation philosophy is being discussed. Can you major in that? I want to major in that! (As a completely unrelated aside, I’m starving. Get this PSP2 announced quick.) There’s a video showing people using PSP’s. This must be staged because, as we all know, no one has ever seen a PSP in the wild. Even rarer is the PSPGo (I’m really snarky at 6am, aren’t I?).

Clements (IGN) says this is “the Matrix Reloaded of press conferences” having never seen that movie I don’t get what he’s on about. I assume that movie is slow, boring and full of sizzler videos. First announcement is of ‘PlayStation Suite’ – a service which allows PlayStation content to be played on non-PS devices like Android devices. These things will be certified by Sony under the ‘PlayStation Certified’ banner. A video apparently shows a touch screen device with PlayStation controls superimposed over the top of it. It’s being described as a “Hardware-neutral Game Framework”.

The PlayStation Store is coming to Android devices. Sony wants ‘PlayStation Suite’ to be essential when it comes to portable gaming. Are they trying to do something like Steam here? (Clements is making more Matrix references that I vaguely understand). All of the above will be available in 2011.

From Clements’ exclamations in his LiveBlog it seems we’re about ready to greet another member of the PlayStation family. The phrase “NGP – Next generation portable” has been said, but not PSP2. Lame. Whatever this is, it’ll have a revolutionary UI (user interface) and a lot to do with social connectivity (read: Facebook and Twitter). There’s a really bizarre video being shown. Clements seems oddly hypnotized by it. “The power is now in your hands” apparently. Thanks bizarre video!

There’s a device on screen. It has: a 5-inch OLED screen, 3G and WiFi, SixAxis motion controls, Front and rear cameras, an in-built microphone. Whatever it is, Kaz is holding it aloft. He’s standing there, creepily saying nothing. This thing best not be called the NGP. That will almost be as bad as MAG: Massive Action Game. Four times the resolution of the PSP. Clements thinks they’ve ‘done a MAG’ [to coin a phrase]. It’ll have a new, flash-based, media input system. It’s coming out in Japan this holiday season. Here comes Yoshida. Hopefully to tell us that it’s called the PSP2!

The device’s graphics will rival that of a PS3 and is being described by Clements as “hella sick”. (If you’ve only just noticed, I’ve chosen the IGN liveblog as by main one. Good ol’ Clements). There looks to be black, white and silver colour options. This is currently unconfirmed. A trailer is playing. Hooray for more sizzle that I can’t see! Come on Clements, be my eyes! He’s saying words I don’t understand. There’s LBP though. WipEout, Resistance, Killzone, Uncharted too (not to be confused with Uncharted Two). Uncharted is being played. Both Clements and Twitter referring to the device as NGP. A necessary re-branding? Perhaps.

Drake’s just chilling in a jungle whilst Yoshida is tilting this thing. It seems the viewing angle is pretty broad. Sony have developed a “micro analog stick” for this system. There best be two of them! Naughty Dog appear to have done Sony and their new device a huge favor. SixAxis controls ‘work’ (I’ll believe that when I see it). Drake’s being controlled by a touch pad on the rear of the device. This pad is apparently really sensitive. It appears that these different control schemes can be used simultaneously. Kaz is back. He best not fucking say Ridge Racer. No, he wouldn’t do that again. Nope, he’s here to talk about a new user experience.

Kaz introduces some guy with a really long title. “Highest level of operability for any portable device ever made.” is something being ensured here. That’s nice. Trace, grab, push and pull are all available actions performed via the touch pad. A game called Little Deviants is being shown off. Clements seems really impressed by this touch pad. My TweetDeck keeps updating. Other people seem impressed too. The touch pad is as large as the screen. The actions appeared to be almost mirrored. Impressive tech, to say the least.

Kaz is now discussing ‘Live Area’. There’s a screenshot of the UI. There’s a trophy icon. I just lost my shit! This hasn’t been officially mentioned, but Clements says it was there. I trust him. He has a kind face. Live Area is apparently the hub page for your games. From here you can get to the PS Store and stuff like that. Hopping in and out of games is being compared to the iPhone in terms of speed. This thing even has built-in message boards. I guess that’s kinda cool. (I’m still hungry, by the way. Excited, but hungry). It seems Sony is stressing community. NGP is always connected via 3G. Fingers crossed it’s free. Coming up…location based services. Is this conference being played out like how TV works? Build up. Confrontation. Calm down.

These location-based services allow players to know what others are doing. The ‘Near’ app is a travel app that shows where you’ve been. I kinda like this idea. Interfaced described as “friendly” and “stylish” by Clements. You can see where people are apparently – “NGP: It only does stalking.” You can see how many people are playing ‘Game X’ in your area. The more I hear, the more I’m loving this. It’s starting to sound expensive though. Come on Sony, take a hit. Bring it out at $200. The rotation stuff seems to work in conjunction with the camera. Augmented reality, anyone? This is seriously mad tech. Yoshida seems to love it. As does the entire internet. Moving on…

We have yet more philosophy. I want Kaz and Jack Tretton to teach me in the ways of PlayStation. We could have guest lectures from Evan Wells and Kevin Butler. Speaking of lectures, and on a complete and utter tangent that has nothing to do with games, lectures done by Greg Graffin from Bad Religion would be awesome. Anyway, back to PlayStation…Kaz is calling up some game creators. I really want him to go all Shakespeare and be like “Where for art thou Hideo…” SEGA, Capcom, Techmo Koei, Konami, Epic, Activision are all there. Jun Takeguchi (Capcom) takes the stage as the first of the third parties. He’s talking Monster Hunter. The entirety of Japan just wet it’s pants in anticipation. Takeguchi seems to have confirmed backwards compatability by playing the last Monster Hunter PSP game on the NGP. “The stick feels great” according to Jun. Capcom are apparently really into the NGP. Lost Planet 2 is being played. Hmm… No new titles from Capcom being announced at this time (Also: I have breakfast).

A nervous Toshihiro Nagoshi takes the stage. He seems to like the 3G capabilities and says: “This is a hardware with no excuses.” Something Yakuza-esque is being played. Clements isn’t sure what it is yet. I’m going with Yakuza. A rash judgement, yes. A correct one, perhaps. Zombies are now in the room. I think this could be Yakuza: The End (or whatever that’s called) Portable. This isn’t bad, but it better not be a system full of downscaled PS3 games. That’s where the PSP first went wrong. Tecmo Koei are next up. Here comes Dynasty Warriors. Guess what…it’s just like Dynasty Warriors.

Kojima! No fair, he’s got nothing to announce about new games. Just tell us MGS4 has trophies…please? MGS4 running on the NGP apparently. Clements’ emphasizing how good everything looks. Graphics whores, get stoked! Remember: none of these third-party things are announcements. Just tech demos. Or maybe not. Clements is confused by the translation technology. When Kojima talks about a device (or even hear that he’s talking about it via LiveBlog), it automatically makes me want it. He’s like an infinitely more cool Peter Molyneux. Kojima wants to make transferable experiences – from PS3 to NGP and back again. And now he’s teasing E3. Kojima you lovely bastard!

Tim Sweeney from Epic is up now. He too looks nervous, apparently. He’s showing something Infinity Blade-esque. It’s called Dungeon Defenders, which is a really dumb name. Let’s see how this pans out though. This game was apparently in development for PS3, but got moved over to the handheld. It was moved over in just a week’s time. That’s pretty good.

Next up: Activision’s Phillip Earl. He’s English. England represent! (ew, I feel dirty now). He’s here to talk about Call Of Duty. What next Guitar Hero and Tony Hawk? Nope, no word on anything else.

There’s a big list of developers on screen. Among them are Square Enix, Ubisoft, Rockstar and 2K. They’ve all pledged to put something on the new handheld. I love everything about this. It’s got awesome potential. Now can we have a price please? I think we might be about to get one, because here comes Kaz and he looks angry (just kidding, I can’t see him. I’m sure he’s smiling). Wait…that’s it? You haven’t told us how much it is yet. This could be a bad sign. However, it seems the name isn’t fixed either.

…and that’s it. Thanks for reading this godawful pseudo-article. Just so you know, I’m excited and hopeful. I want to know the price and hope Sony keeps talking about it to push support for it. I’ve also eaten breakfast and am wide awake. Have a good day guys!

Oh yeah, go thank Ryan for me on Twitter, because Clements’ LiveBlog is what made this happen. I leave you with the first official picture of Sony’s new handheld (above). Doesn’t it look sexy?

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